Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize