guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
