trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
