I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
