Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
