god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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