Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
