i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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