Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
