life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
