the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
