I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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