Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
