I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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