I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
