checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
