haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
