You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
