New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
