He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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