thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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