rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
