I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize