Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
