I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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