True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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