I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
