I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
one might say we're banned from that church
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
