Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
