How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
