This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
