guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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