if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
