listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
