Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
