My sheets look like a crime scene.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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