omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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