Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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