I will die if light touches me.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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