he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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