your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
