I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize