i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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