do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
