i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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