remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
