I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
