So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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