woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
