I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
