Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
