it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
this will be a night to untag.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
