I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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