Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
