The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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