I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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