I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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