Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
