If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Found your dick twin last night
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
