my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
