I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
