Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
